I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize