dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I won the penis lottery.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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