My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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