Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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