If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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