I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
