last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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