If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
