I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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