Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
