mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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