Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
