I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
