I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
