I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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