Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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