Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
