I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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