You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
