No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
