You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
