Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
