Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
