I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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