Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
