dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
