Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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