don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
