So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
