Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
