I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
