There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
