he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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