Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
