Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
