If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
