is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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