you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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