The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
