Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
