Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
