He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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