just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
