Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
