I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
