need another drink. this is the easiest way
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
