She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize