my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
