I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
