just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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