farters have to be the big spoon...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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