she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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