i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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