So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
