I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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