Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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