You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
