I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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